I am on the verge on breaking down again. In fact, I am already tearing as I am writing this. I know I shouldn't feel burdened to even write out my thoughts on MY OWN blog. But I am now.

I am saving this as a draft. And perhaps if I've mustered enough courage, I will post this. 我必须敷衍自己才能完成此事。

What if they walked into my room, and saw me crying. I wouldn't be able to take another round of 羞辱。I often wonder, why why why do i have to endure with all this shit that's happening at home?

But I know, life isn't fair. And I knew this once my brother was born. But why, when something bad happens at home, it would often be associated with me. Maybe because my parents are too traditional, favours boys over girls. Or perhaps, I was a very rebellious girl when I was young which I thought so too. But now, I am sure I've changed but they haven seen the good side of me yet. Maybe they just can't be bothered, or they don't like changes. At least when something bad happens, they still have someone to blame it on.

I first noticed this when my brother got his PSLE results. He was 5 points behind me. And it was very obvious that my mother wasn't happy about it. But the fact that she was angry with me just because I am better then my brother doesn't make any sense at all to me. I was blamed for not teaching my brother well. And I actually have to be responsible for his grades?! I know this is dramatic. 信不信由你。But I think only Jing Yi can understand how I feel. She's going through a similar situation but something worst I guess.

***She just came into the room but didn't notice that I am crying. To be glad or not to be glad? I really don't know. A part of me wants her to notice and perhaps to read what I've written so that she'll know what I've been going through. And another part of me just want things to remain this way. I don't know how she'll react if we try to talk things out again. the last time I tried, it was a disaster.

Anyway, to continue, I was kinda glad that my brother was 1 point better then me in his o lvls. I mean I am happy that he did well. But it was more of a relief, because I don't have to be responsible for his results this time round. But, instead, my self-esteem suffered. I had to listen her telling me how stupid I was, how lazy I was and obviously after a few days of such 'brain-wash' you would believe it instead of trying to fight it off mentally which is too tiring. I know that I am weak mentally.

And and and, people who went to philippines with me would know how much I enjoy washing the dishes and clothes. Which she will never find out because she still has the mentality that I am a lazy girl who hates doing all housework. But you know what, after years of doing housework, I have learnt to love it. And if you ever noticed, I accept whatever housework that you give me willingly ever since I came to poly. Only using I am too busy or I have no time to reject your request, which you see them as excuses. But I bet you'll never know how tiring it is to study, or how tight time is when you are nearing the end of sem which I doubt you know when it is.

She find excuses for my brother automatically, like how he's tired, how he doesn't even have the time to do his homework. What makes you think I have more time then him? Maybe its just the polytechnic students doesn't study much and slacks a lot mentality that makes her think like this. But what I want to say is, I am not making excuses, and I am more then willing to help you with the housework because I know how tiring your job can be, because I have worked as a promoter before too. Please please stop putting me down, its making my self esteem suffer.

My brother is becoming super vain. And its all my fault again.

And I don't know what's with the money issue. I did not complain when you give him 15 dollars on cca days which is really too much. I stay back in school everyday because you don't give me a environment conducive enough to study. FYI $10 is only just nice for the amount of food I eat so I don't get to save up at all. And so sometimes I only eat my dinner at 10.30 at home, but that's because I want to save up some money. I bet you don't know this at all. So so so, why don't I have pocket money now??? I mean its the holidays and I can save up more rightttttttt. That is if I don't go out. And I don't think I will. i wanted to save up this holiday but you are not giving me a chance to do so.

I am not lazy and I did not purposely leave some food for you so that I would not need to wash the dishes. I admit that I am lazy at times but not till this extent of leaving food so that I do not need to do the dishes. I really cannot finish eating the food, and if I throw the food away, I would get scolding from you again.

I don't know why you have such an ugly picture of me in your heart. Its the saddest thing that has ever happened to me in my life I guess.

I admit that I put my friends before my family on the outside. But that's because they know me more than you. They understand me, they listen to me and its a colorful world when I am with them. But with you, its just a dark grey world with the negative stuff surrounding me. But deep in my heart I still placed my family first.

I miss the time in philippines where I don't have to endure all this shit. Where I can have people really believing in my abilities and not putting me down whenever they can. Where I can trust these people with my secrets. Where I can have heart to heart talks without feeling that I am being a burden to them.

I know I can still do this in singapore but the environment doesn't allow me to. I can't talk on the phone because I know they'll hear me. And things will get really bad if they hear me 'complaining' about my family to my friends. 家丑不可外扬。

I know that I shouldn't be affected by her comments about me being stupid, bad and every other negative impression that she has of me. But, she's afterall still my mother. What could be more hurtful then her negative comments?